A picture is worth oh so much more…

After a year of feeling jaded and “hating” photography; after a year of referring work to others and avoiding my camera as much as possible, I decided to re-launch my site and get my butt back in gear. Really, Julie decided that it was time for me to quit sulking and get my butt back in gear a few months ago – but being stubborn, I stalled a little longer.

First things first, computer upgrade. A whopping $500! No problem, I budgeted for this and was prepared to bite this bullet. Besides, I upgraded to a Mac and got awesome service from my friend JT at PC Repair Orlando. I did not however budget for the radiator on my car going out just a few days after my purchase. Deep breaths. $631 later, really deep breaths. 

I take a week or so to recuperate and then decide to finally update the website. God, being awesome, sent some unexpected income my way which I use towards that $200 fee. That same afternoon, the starter in my car decides to join my radiator. $175 later, I’m flatlining. “Why am I doing this again?” “This business is so expensive!” “I can’t afford to do this on my own!” “People don’t appreciate photography anyway!” Yet, instead of cancelling everything and retreating back to my little hole, I decide to keep moving forward.

Two days after that, I am sitting at my computer, selecting images for the site when I come across a picture I took of Julie over a year ago. “Julie”, I exclaim, “You’re positively stunning!” She comes over and – for the first time in the five years since I’ve known (and have told) her – she says, “Oh my God, I’m pretty!”

There, in those few words is my priceless reward.

Oh, and other priceless moments…

• God in His awesomeness also allowed that very picture to be featured on WordPress photography
• OK Go allowed me to use their song on my site
• Bludomain is amazing

Sick of Deferred Hope

I don’t want to hope anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick of its cold indifference. I’ve come to believe that it’s got to be easier to long for nothing than to hang on to this dead tree.

I don’t want to anticipate the next email, I don’t want to wait for the phone call.I don’t want to consider the results of one last moment of patience.I don’t want to envision the joys of the final answer.

I’m done.I don’t want to hold on for………….

I want something else. I want something different. I want something more than these dying breaths. I need something more than this unfulfilled emptiness.

I’m sick… I’m sick of the cycling roller-coaster… I’m sick of deferred hope.

Not Forgetting Rainbows

When I first moved down to Florida, I had a pivotal encounter with a rainbow. Where was I?

I was driving back from yet another unsuccessful job interview…

I was concerned about my savings diminishing and my debt climbing…

I was wounded from arguing with my mother daily about my “coming back home”…

I was lonely since I had not made any friends and missed my siblings terribly…

I was hurt by God’s silence after having been so obedient to His call…

And on that Floridian hot-as-Hades mid-summer day, I was driving with the windows down so I wouldn’t have to run the A/C. Then, a torrential downpour came through. My immediate thought: “Oh come on, God! You have got to be kidding me!” Seriously, this had all the makings for a sappy scene in one of those predictable movies. The Truman Show, anyone? I maneuvered my SUV (windows up, A/C intermittently running) begrudgingly down Okeechobee; questioning God, questioning my purpose in Florida, questioning my obedience. But as I made my left to head south on 441, I encountered the largest, brightest, most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen.

I was suddenly reminded of God’s covenant with me as His daughter…

I was moved to tears…

Since then, I have seen many rainbows in my three years of Florida living. Some even brighter and fuller than my first. They always remind of that encounter; and they always remind me of God’s covenant. This morning was no different. However, as I quickly made note of the rainbow outside the car window, I came to the realization that my reaction was not the same. I was once again reminded, but I was not moved. This sad reality sent me into a feverish prayer. “Please, God,” I begged, “don’t let my heart become so familiar to your wonders that it grows calloused and unfazed!”

As I drove the fifteen or so minutes home… I encountered two more rainbows.

The God who created man

Trust God. Serve Him. Focus on Him. Be content in Him. Look to Him. Hide your heart in Him. You’ll see, He has the best for you. You just need to stop worrying about it. You just need to wait patiently. But you’re not in a waiting room, you’re in the field. Enjoy this opportunity to serve freely. Enjoy these moments, because they will not last forever. It happens like this all of the time. The minute you’re not “looking”; at the exact moment that you’ve finally surrendered your heart; just when you’ve found your complete contentment in Him, then it will happen. You’ll see. You’ll be speechless. You’ll be so glad you waited so patiently… so faithfully…

… In the meantime, you have to work. God has given you a growing opportunity and you have to use it. You have to work on your education. You have to work on your career. You have to work on your debt and finances. You have to work on your savings. You have to work on your relationships. You have to work on your personality. You have to work on your temperament. You have to work on being a better daughter… a better sister… a better friend… a better woman… and of course, being a better future wife. Learn to cook. Learn to clean. Learn to keep a budget. Learn to keep a beautiful showcase quality home on pennies. Learn to be an excellent hostess. Learn to deal with difficult people (future mother-in-law). Learn to take care of children by constantly volunteering to save your happily-married friends from theirs for an afternoon so they can have some much needed quality time with their spouses. Learn to be culturally diverse. Learn something about sports. Learn to keep a conversation. Learn to keep silent. Learn to be independent. Learn to be submissive.

And above all, YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT NEGLECT YOURSELF!

Get your hair done. Get your nails done. Get your feet done. Treat yourself like a lady. Buy yourself something nice once in a while. Wear flattering clothes. Nobody wants a frump-monster. But, you should work on being modest. You have to be a good steward. Don’t be wasteful. Don’t be materialistic. Keep your pride in check. It’s who you are that counts, not what you wear. And truly, you are an amazing person already. A great catch! A phenomenal addition to any family. A wonderful daughter, sister, and friend. Honestly, the man who gets you is going to be one especially blessed man. He will be singing praises for having such a well-rounded and completely whole person. Prepared from the inside out. You should work on the gym, though. You should work-out at the gym. You’d get a lot more attention if you lost a few pounds. You have such a beautiful face. Your smile, it lights up a room. You just need to lose a little weight. You just need to work-out a little. Wake up a little earlier. Go to bed a little later. Watch your carbs. Watch your calories. Watch your fat. Watch your points. Because you know how it is; men will be men. They can’t help it. They see with their eyes, not with their hearts. It’s really not their fault; it’s how they are built. It’s how they are wired. It’s how they’re created.

But, just wait. You’ll see. When the time is right, it will happen. You just have to keep working on yourself. You just have to keep waiting… patiently… faithfully… serving, learning, working, growing, molding, shaping, fitting, fixing, exercising, doing, being, living, waiting… You’ll see. Just wait. You have to trust Him.

Trust who? God? The God who created man? Yeah, maybe I should work on that.