You’ve flooded my thoughts, lately.
I think of you as I drift to sleep and thoughts of you awaken me to the rising sun. What are you doing? How are you feeling? Did you sleep well? Are you having a good day? Is the Lord speaking to you? What is He saying? Is it about me? What are you thinking? Are you thinking of me? Do you think of me? Do you try not to? Is it hard? Are you hurting? Are you sad? This is agonizing!
Why didn’t you talk to me? Why don’t you talk to me? What did you mean by what you said? Why am i trying to analyze what you said? Why couldn’t you just say, “hi”? Why did you look at me that way when you said, “hi”? Why do you smile at me like that? Why don’t you just say what you’re feeling? Are you feeling anything at all? This is torture! This is agonizing!
Why don’t I just say what I’m feeling? Why don’t I just tell you what I’m thinking? I wish I knew. I wish I could change this. I wish I could stop this. I wish I could let this go. I wish I could let this be. I wish I could forget these hopes. I wish I… I wish I didn’t…
I tried, you know. I try. I try to forget. I try to ignore. I try to pretend. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter if you notice me. That I don’t care if you think of me. I tried. I try to tell myself that your words mean nothing to me, that your smile means nothing to me, that your eyes mean nothing to me… And yet, I find myself laughing when I watch you play with children. I’m moved when I see you give a gentle hand. I look for you every time I enter a room.
You’re in my thoughts lately. I smile when I wake up with you on my mind. I blush when you notice me in a crowd. I love when you look at me that way, like you have everything to say. I enjoy our pointless banter. I’m frustrated that you say nothing at all. I’m grieved that you walk away. This is soul-wrenching! This is heartbreaking! I want to cry. Just then, I hear the words, “Still my soul be still, Do not forsake The Truth you learned in the beginning, Wait upon the Lord, And hope will rise As stars appear when day is dimming”. I am reminded that God is in control. He calms the raging seas just as easily as the currents of my heart. He ceases the wild wind just as quietly as my turbulent thoughts.
…and I do cry